geology

Cry now, laugh later.

2011-10-18T14:39:00.000-07:00

I got hit by a ton of bricks yesterday & it was not a pretty sight. In every sense of the word, it was sonotthebusiness.

Just to preface this whole story, this is all the drama I had going on yesterday:

First of all, not to gross anyone out, but I was majorly on my period. I’m talking Japan sized tsunami waves flowing through my body & bursting out of my vaj like it was a fuckin rat race for all mankind at North Shore. It basically felt like I was hemorrhaging. And what accompanies this catastrophe? Major cramps, a head pounding so hard it was about to explode into a bunch of multi-headed crazy bitches, & extreme irritation, of course. Then, I got re-visited with a project at work that my partner & I had dropped the ball on & was suddenly made aware of a meeting & presentation scheduled for early next week (damn you to hell, procrastination!), I am preparing for another presentation next week where I, myself, actually have to talk in front of a classroom full of strangers, instead of sitting pretty on the side while my sales rep makes the presentation. This, in & of itself, is NO BUENO. I hate speaking to large groups of people & it gives me anxiety just thinking about it. When practicing in my head, I am articulate, funny, witty & charming as all hell. But if you add more than 5 people to the equation & make it look like a group setting where I’m giving a speech, then I don’t even know how to act or who I am anymore. I get all nervous, stiff, awkward, fumble my monotone words, & expressionless. Like Vicky in Small Wonder. Or I may as well just do the robot & sing "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto." Not a good look. & to top it all off, I woke up with a sore throat & starting to feel sick. I am being pulled 2 or 3 different ways at work & I can’t focus to save my precious little tiny life. I mean, damn. I know that when it rains, it pours but fuck me twice & call me stupid, I can’t handle all this!!

So yeah, I had the absolute worst day ever. It crept up on me like a ninja in the night, sideswiped me & left me discombobulated, bamboozled, & overwhelmed. I can honestly say that I don’t think I’ve ever had such a bad day at work. Except the times when I got fired, because that always sucks to no end. But thank God, I can now look back in retrospect & do what I do best…LAUGH. I was in rare form, ladies & gentlemen. RARE. FORM. & sadly, I don’t even think I’m exaggerating & I totally have witnesses. I really wish somebody would’ve been videotaping me all day so I can see what a basket case my husband married.

If you can imagine a crazy, hyper emotional, stressed out, pre-menopausal chicken running around with its head cut off, who’s having hot flashes, eyes buggin out of her head, & is about to run over a big, huge, heaping, steaming pile of funkdafied hot mess on the verge of a major train wreck….then yeah, that was me. I have no idea what my problem was. I’m usually not one of those people who stresses out easily or even really show when I am stressed. But yesterday, I was so stressed beyond my normal tolerance for stress, that I was just numb & literally felt the weight of said stress on my face, weighing me down & stretching out my youthful skin. All day I was like “Who do I? When is? Wha-? Wait. Huh? Where am? How do I? Wait. Whoa. Huh? AAAAAAHHHHHH!” Sad. Don’t ever let this happen to you. Don’t ever let shit get the best of you. All I really had to do was stop, tell my head to shut the fuck up & get busy. But instead, I was stuck on “How the hell am I going to get all this done?” all day. Shame shame, please forget my name.

So after a totally unproductive day of getting absolutely nada done & walking into rooms or going downstairs 4 or 5 times & forgetting where I was going, who I was going to talk to, or why I even left my desk, I finally reached my breaking point.

Breaking point: Around 4:30 I kinda sorta calmed down & started getting all my shit together to go home. I reached for my phone to put in my pocket so I wouldn’t forget it. Only it wasn’t there. I ran to the other desk I was working at to see if it was there. Nope. Ran back to my desk to look again. Nope. FML FML FML FML FML. EFF! EM! EL! So as I’m walking around the office, praying out loud that I didn’t lose it & silently cursing whoever stole it, I stop in front of my sister & niece. They look at me. I look at them with this shut up, don’t judge me look & they’re like “Are you looking for your phone?..... It’s in your pocket dumb ass!” And sure enough, I felt my boob pocket & there it was. Sitting snug & tight in the boob pocket of my shirt. Of course I couldn’t have this total FML moment by myself in a dark corner so I could cry my little heart out & curse my life away. No, I had witnesses to my stupidity. All I could do at this point was stand there, fling my head back, put my hands on my hips & give in to the tears that I’d been fighting all day. I was like “I’m sorry you have to see this, but I just need to cry right now. Just give me like 3 minutes & I’ll be fine.” So here I am melting down to a sad puddle of goo & they’re like dying laughing at me. & then to make things even better, my sister starts taunting me & repeatedly calls me a douche bag until I was cry laughing, & silently in my head stabbed her in the neck. Aaaaaah, this is the life. I just want to go home, crawl into bed in permanent fetal position & die. I am officially an idiot. BEST. DAY. EVER.

Ode to 420.

2011-09-12T16:44:00.000-07:00

Originally posted on 4.20.11, but then taken down for reasons that don't matter anymore. So here it is again....too good not to re-post!

Although 420 is commonly known as a day when stoners alike can gather in ciphers & engage in the art of smoking weed, 420 has come to mean something more to me than just hittin gravity bongs, sparkin blunts, blazin joints, puff puff give, one love, light a spliff stoner bullshit.

This is the history of 420 according to me & my love.

His first day at work - where we met - was on 420. & I totally don't remember it just like it was yesterday. I didn't see him, know him, talk to him, or meet him on that day. But he was there. & little did we know that was dooms day for all of us. The beginning of a scandalous, passionate, heartbreaking, miraculous, adventurous, boring, broke & loving journey. LOL!

The address of the work building where we met is 420. Where all the action happened, where the magic was made, where the spark was lit. NOT. No details necessary…it’s a very confidential story & this ain’t no fairy tale, people! But for the purpose of this entry, all you need to know is, we met at 420 & he fell somewhere within my network of people on 420. Moving right along….

Our son Greyson King Gonzalez was conceived on 420. Yes, I said conceived, not born. Conceived at a rather sleezy yet high end hotel motel holiday inn after a meal at the Yardhouse in Victoria Gardens. We broke bread, shared blunts, went halves on a motel, & apparently went halves on a baby that day too. Cue R Kelly. Go figure...

And here we are years later on 042011, together. Married. Forever. Stuck. For life. I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. Laying in bed watching fucking “Audrina” as Mr. & Mrs. Ernie Gonzalez. (Note to self: still have to go through the annoying process of changing my name)… (Side note to mental note: click this DMV link for a fresh take on marriage, love & the whole name change process...life lessons & marriage advice on the DMV site...who knew?) Read it, you won’t be sorry…

http://www.onlinedmv.com/change-of-address/change-your-last-name-for-drivers-license.html

Writing this first blog entry since Jan 2010 on 420. Love my life. Love how things unfold so seamlessly & organically. Amazing how such a small & natural effort can feel like the biggest accomplishment in the world. Yesterday it was a 20 min power walk/light brisk jog (okaaaay, maybe 15 min but whatever). Today it was writing, journaling, blogging, about the first random thing that popped into my twisted little mind. On 420. Oh & did I mention that I did 40 naked squats like an Olympic fucking champion, rockin a towel turban in front of the mirror on 420?? Umm yeah. Champion shit right there, buddy!

As I sign off on 420, having already partook in the grand & glorious 420 festivities, I lay with my love in bed, as he watches River Monsters & lightly caresses my bare, soft & squishy back. Having written & conquered a simple & satisfying task. Closing my eyes with a soft, almost childlike smile, on this old lady mug. So to me, 420 not only means a trip to the dispensary & blazing in ciphers, but it is the start of new beginnings, being joyful & content wherever you are, whoever you're with, whatever the circumstances. Never forget moments like this. On 420, no less.

Funkytown

2010-01-13T10:57:00.000-08:00

UGH! I've been in such a lackadaisical, sluggish ruggish, unproductive & unmotivated nasty funk lately. I need to get my groove back. Why do I feel like I'm always telling myself this?

Not such a fabulous way to start out my new year. So many things to do, so many ideas - I'm so overwhelmed and don't know where to start. I'm stuck & therefore going nowhere and doing nothing about it!! This is totally a constant & recurring problem. I have issues. I need some serious 2nd party motivational speaking and I've been honestly thinking about hitting up a life coach to illuminate my mind. It may sound lame to you (hell, it even sounds lame to me) but maybe, just maybe hearing it from a total stranger will be the extra push & motivation I need to hear to get off my ass, focus, & execute. My cousin says I have a good skeleton, but I need to put meat on my bones. Meaning I have great ideas & visions, but I now I need to walk the walk, damn it! She’s a genius in my opinion and I definitely need more genius. I think she's just tired of hearing me talk & get all excited over this & that, and after encouraging me & giving me amazing advice on how to execute, she never sees any results. I never see any results. It's like my butt gets on fire about certain things and then it slowly burns out...it never goes away, but it just gets pushed into a dark corner only to absolutely resurface in a couple of days or weeks. What the hell is my problem? I'm a frustrated bonafide mess.

I like to think of myself as a visionary. Those are some big shoes, but I always see the big picture, the end result. And the vision is phenomenally clear down to the very nitty grittiest of details. I do realize I need to be more short term goal-oriented to achieve these visions, but get abnormally intimidated at the thought of actually doing it. I think I can just jump straight to the big picture without putting in mad work & taking all the small baby steps first. Weird, right. You see, my problem is I want someone to do the baby steps for me - or at least with me. I’m perfectly capable of doing it myself, but it’s like I need someone to hold my chubby little hand along the way for constant reassurance & inspiration. Lame & babyish, I know. Either way, I just don't have the confidence all the time to think I can do it alone. All this crap is weighing me down from moving on & starting fresh. There's no release, it's all bottled up inside of me. What is really holding me back from grabbing the bull by the balls & going for the gusto? Do I need therapy? HELP...

Here's my attempt to make a legit list of all the crap that will help me simplify my life, achieve my goals, make me feel better about myself, & be comfortable in my skin once again. Not sure if I should go public with this since I'm not in the habit of putting myself on blast, but it's real.

1. Clean my house & get organized. I have to clean out closets & get rid of mass amounts of shit. Clothes, shoes, baby stuff, blah blah blaaah. It all needs to be given away or sold. Stuff is in boxes & trash bags sitting in my hallway because I have nowhere else to put everything & the thought of throwing them in the garage frightens me to death. I think it would be really cool to sell my clothes & shoes at a local flea market as opposed to just giving everything away, but I realize that takes more time & effort. Just another thing to add to my list of things I would love to do but doubt I ever will...

2. Emotionally detach myself from my belongings. And this is the main reason I have yet to simplify & organize. Whenever I start going through stuff to give away, I get weak & regress. I need a fresh, new, clean slate and this is haunting me & keeping me from achieving that. Clutter is not cute and I have tons of it.

3. Take care of financial debt bullshit. This is one of those things that is so daunting & intimidating that it just gets swept under the rug. I fall deep into ghetto mode when it comes to paying bills & taking care of debt. I let those envelopes stack the fuck up because if I don't open them, they don't exist, & I don't owe shit. This burden weighs a ton & truly drags me down in the dumps. How the hell am I supposed to fix financial problems when I have no money to do so??? I barely get by paying rent & buying groceries...I have no extra money to save, no extra money to even go out for fun & wild out, therefore I have no extra fucking money to pay off debt. This is a dark cloud hanging over my head. Just over the last 2 years, my credit has completely gone to shit - so even if I wanted to move to a cheaper spot, I doubt I'd even be able to put it under my name and get that damn credit check approved. Money is the devil & financial debt is hell.

4. Find a new job. I've been unemployed for about 2 years now (hence my financial downfall) and though the extra time with the kids has been amazing, momma needs mo money. I'm not extravagant (although I kinda sorta used to be), but I want to be able to go out to dinner, take vacations, go shopping or even buy the bare necessities without having to worry if there's money in the account or if I'll have to pay an outrageous $35 overdraft item fee (fuck BofA!!). I work for my dad part-time & have freelance gigs here & there, but shit is just not percolating. I have to do what I love & am passionate about or else I am a caged bird & will die a very unhappy woman.

5. Have more fun, be adventurous, make memories. This doesn't mean partying & getting shit faced - which I could use a little or a lot more of actually. But sitting at home doesn't really achieve being adventurous & making memories too much. My current mentality is I'm bored all the time because I don't have money to do shit. I know, I knoooowww you don't have to have money to have fun, but when you want to have fun with the kids, days at the park only get you so far before they're like "Mom, can we go to Disneyland?" It breaks my heart because they overstand the situation we're in & then offer to pay for everything...because no lie, they have more money in their bank accounts than I've had in the last 2 years. Really. Who is the provider here??? I want to take the kids on hikes, bike rides to the beach & other nature loving type outings aka free outings.

6. Exercise. I have 3 kids & I am certainly not getting any younger. When people from back in the day see me now, they swear up & down I look exactly the same, but I sure as hell don't feel it! When asked how I stayed so small after 3 kids, I always say “running around after my 3 kids” but it’s a lie. I’m not really “running around” anywhere. Unless “running around” means “chauffeuring kids around with no time to sit & feed myself”, then that statement does hold true. I swear, I have the back & hip of an 87 yr. old woman. I can't even get up or walk without ooching & owing my way through the day. I need to drink more water too. My skin doesn't glow & radiate like it used to...I look at pics of myself and I'm like umm NO. So either I've gotten uglier & paler due to not exercising to achieve that natural glow, or I've become a lot more critical in my old age. Baby fat needs to be officially shed. Tubes are tied, no more "I just had a baby" excuses! Running (or for me, a light brisk slow jog) 20 minutes a day won’t kill me.

7. Be more creative. If I ever get organized enough to put all my energy & ideas towards all the creative outlets I have bottled up in my brain, the quality of my life would be enhanced like times 20. So many great ideas manifesting in my dome. Problem is they're just sitting here & not coming to life. And that my friends, is what I call WASTE.

8. Stay organized. Honestly, this is a goal that is pretty much a long shot. It’s already enough for me to GET organized, but to STAY organized…Oye ve! I am constantly on the kid's asses to keep their room clean & organized, yet my room is an endless pit of clothes & shoes that never seem to be put away in their right place for more than a day. I'll put everything away one day (these days are very few & far between, but they do happen), but then little by little, stacks here & there start to surface all around the room. And this is just my room, don’t even get me started on the rest of the house. I’m not a pig or a hoarder by any means, but I could definitely stand to be a little (or a lot) more organized.

The list could go on for days, but those are the basics. Let’s just say I have a lot of loose ends that need to be tied the fuck up like yesterday. I’m holding myself captive and can’t start anything new because I’m still dealing with shit from the past that never got taken care of or is still in this exaggeratedly long process. So yeah, this is what procrastination does to you…. I feel like I'm wasting away to nothing when I’m perfectly capable & born to do so much more. Or maybe I'm completely & outrageously delusional & not all that I crack myself up to be. Time to wake up, clean up, act up & grow up!

Trying to stay positive for 2010. Please tell me someone out there feels me & I’m not alone in this. I need to move & shake myself out of this funky slump. Cheers to that!

Playground Shenanigans

2010-01-01T23:37:00.000-08:00

Random stops at the park make me a happy mom with happy kids. It's probably one of the very few times I will put the fabulous on hold while I play soccer (and by play, I mean kick the ball while they run after it) or play baseball (and by play, I mean hit, throw & catch the ball, but strenuous running - not so much for me). I may even get down & dirty and slide down the sandy ass slide with the kids in my bourgeois ass stretchy skinny jeans and vintage boots. But I draw the line at playing or even walking in the sand. That's what older brothers & sisters are for.

LOVE.

THAT FACE.

KIDDIE CRUSH.

Aijah has a boyfriend and his name starts with a K. I don't know if he knows he's her man, but whatever....it's cute. She's smitten and carefree. And wearing an adorable vintage Levi's jean jacket.

GOOD TIMES.

Greyboy is a total jock AND gives good face.

He does hit and throw a baseball. Hard & fast. MLB lefty pitcher in the making.

This was a fastball aimed straight at my grill which I thank the Lord I caught with my kiddie mitt...

And yes, I was wearing a skirt, tights, and boots while horsin around with the kids...we came straight from church and I knew we were going to the park, but I didn't know I'd be getting all involved and stuff. Sometimes Maseo says to me "Mom, why can't you ever dress normal?" Such absurd words from such a wise kid! One day he'll learn to appreciate and love me more for NOT being a normal mom...

Both Aijah & Maseo were both flossin their new digi cameras they got for Christmas, so these photos were either taken by me or the kids. Enjoy = )

Rise Above

2009-12-23T03:18:00.000-08:00

So much has gone down in the past couple weeks that I don’t really know where to start. If I were to stop and write whenever I have a profound thought, feeling or idea, it would be so refreshing, but I'd never get anything done. I'd have a house full of dirty hungry kids. But I can tell you it’s been a rollercoaster of occurrences and emotions, folks. Some very proud, heartwarming moments and others extremely heartbreaking. The proud moments I would love to relive every day, every moment just so that I could feel that overwhelming sense of purpose, accomplishment, and joy. The heart wrenching moments, I would never wish upon anyone and would love nothing more than to see them raped and dead in a dumpster so that no one else would ever have to experience them.

It’s beyond sad and disappointing that some of the most important and influential people in my life are displaying such crazy high levels of disrespect, disregard, and hypocrisy. I am so hurt by their harsh words, cruel intentions, and self-centered actions. All I hear are lies and all I feel are jabs to the heart. I never want to be this kind of person and I will go so out of my way to make sure my kids don’t become this type of person. I am disgusted (stank face and all) and my level of respect for them is dwindling down to a very minimal minimum. Being righteous can be a good trait I guess. But there's a delicate line between being righteous and just a total asshole. When you're so righteous that it becomes self-centered instead of God-centered and you're unable to balance it out with a little love, compassion, sympathy, and understanding, then I think it becomes a serious personality flaw. Who wants to be around that? It’s so funny how people like this have the power to make you feel so insignificant and helpless, when really they’re the ones who are insecure and all fucked up. The struggle for power is a bitch, but I don't even want the power! Power and money are the devil and I would love to live in a world without any of it. Not likely to ever happen here on earth, but I'm just sayin...I just want to be cool, straight, give love, be loved, smoke trees, and go on about my merry way. Is that too much to ask?

I may feel differently and a bit more forgiving once I release all of this, but right now I am salty as fuck. Do I want to stoop to their level? No. Yes. Well, NO. Do I want to kill em with kindness and rise above? YES. Lord, this is killing me. Give me strength and show me the way because I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep fighting this same fight and reliving this nightmare. I want to rise above the negativity and move on to the next level. Keep it movin' and shakin'. I am torn and I want to be whole again. God. Family. Love. Life. Whole.

I promise to share more about the positive and joyful things instead of all this wah wah waaaah woe is me shit. Despite all this Crappy McCrap, my life is not total darkness. But right now, this is where I'm at and this is what’s consuming my precious time and energy. For some reason, it's so much easier to share about the negative than the positive. I guess it's because the negative needs to be released so it doesn't sit and fester and kill you inside. So you either divulge or become a black hole and die. But the positive is already a lovely little ray of sunshine and there's nothing you can do to make it more amazing, stunning, or fabulous. Somehow writing about the good things makes them a little less precious to me and a little more contrived. I feel braggadocious writing about all the wonderful things, and braggadocious is never a good look. But that's just me....

What a waste of space, but thank you for letting me share.

But I'm totally not gonna be Negative Nancy nor let anyone completely break my spirit. I have too much to live for, so I'm deciding right here and now to turn my frown upside down = )

Happy holidays, hootie who, whut whuuuut!

A letter to myself...and to you.

2009-12-06T12:25:00.000-08:00

WHO AM I?

We will get to that in a minute, but my goal right now is to write myself to sleep. It’s 1:48am, I’ve had a long ass day and should be enjoying sleepy times, TKO, drooling on my pillow. I don’t know if insomnia is a gene you inherit and runs in the family…if so, I’m pretty much fucked. But I’m determined to write myself to sleep and prove that gene wrong. Hoping that releasing these thoughts will alleviate me from whatever the hell is keeping me from my damn-well deserved-momma don’t need no bags under my eyes for church tomorrow-beauty sleep.

So much in my head these days and I’ve been totally lagging on getting this blog up and crackin like it’s happy hour on Taco Tuesday in Newport Beach. My. Bad. I’ve told myself many times that I need an outlet. I need to release. I need to make time for myself. And then I tell myself that I do have an outlet and a release outside of HotMommaville, but we all know that’s a damn lie. Just when I start to get all up on my self-empowerment trip - encouraging, inspiring, and motivating myself, pumping my fist in the air, screaming “fuck yeah, you go girl, you can do it!” in my head, I quickly digress and fuhgetaboudit because someone is screaming “MOM!!” And that, my friends, is how my thoughts are interrupted, forgotten, put on the “see ya when I see ya” back burner. I. Need. To. Make. Time. So I’m promising myself right here and now, and declaring to all of you – my faithful 2 blog followers - that writing will be just what I need to get me out of this here slump. And will hopefully entertain and enlighten you at the same time. Or not.

So back to my question…WHO AM I? I am compelled to both ask and answer this question and allow others to witness, because I honestly feel that if I write it out and see it on paper, then I will actually figure it all out, believe it, remember it, and keep on keepin on to achieve it, LIVE it, and embrace it. I know we are constantly growing and evolving creatures and I’ve always had a pretty firm grasp on who I am and what I stand for. But let me just tell you, that with all the shit that has gone on and goes on and will be going on, I got lost and need to find that damn yellow brick road and get back to home sweet home triple O.G. original gangsta Geolynville. A place where I am utterly confident, completely uninhibited, and fuckin free. I am woman, hear me roar type shit. I always prided myself on these attributes. Until once upon a time, they got me into some deep, no looking back type trouble. But I want it back. I want it all back. But this time, I ask it all back with 1 cup of boundaries, a pinch of restraint, and a dash of self-control.

I know I’m not the only one who has ever felt like this and I know I’m certainly not the only one who has ever gone through and overcome devastating, horrific experiences and life changing situations. So If I must state a purpose in publishing this here blog (and I do feel I must) and journaling some of my most intimate thoughts and experiences, then I would say that I want people to feel me and connect with me. On some intimate cyber level type shit. If I can make you laugh, cry, say “amen!”, “shut up!”, or “get the fuck outta here!”, be the voice of reason, shed some light, share some insight, or help you in any which way, then I say it is gladly my pleasure.

So, to answer my self-imposed question…..WHO AM I?

I am a mother. I am a baby momma. I am an ex-wife. I am a girlfriend. I am both a lover and a fighter. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a niece. I am a granddaughter. I am a great granddaughter. I am an aunt. I am a cousin. I am sharp. I am witty. I am tasteful. I am the friend who goes shopping with you and is the bad influence that will co-sign on any damn thing that makes you look hot, no matter the price. I am both a talker and a listener. I am a compassionate bitch. I am trying to be a better Christian. I am joyful. I am appreciative. I am both a forgiver and a forgetter. I am a functional hot mess. I am both productive and lazy. I am spunky. I am sassy. I am satirical. I am clever. I am a big ass smart mouth. I am both persistent and nonchalant. I am one who loves to make you laugh and if I don’t, I go to the dark side. I am both sensitive and insensitive. I am both fire and ice. I am black and white and all the colors in between. I am a visionary. I am a creator. I am a developer. I am a writer. I am a woman who achieved what I set out to do. I am tired. I am going to sleep at 3:36am.

Good night and good morning.

so i'm here.....

2009-08-09T22:03:00.000-07:00

first step to creating a blog and a platform to showcase my crazy, cool, lame, sometimes borderline offensive thoughts...check!!

now that i'm here, i'm nervous and can't remember everything i've had fudge packed in my head for the past couple of months.

i'm a natural writer at heart. time to bring it back, ma!

i went to rock the bells yesterday and was actin a damn fool like i was 23 all over again. i so needed that.

ME time is in full effect with my 2 babies aijah and maseo away in NY for 3 weeks with baby daddy #1.

i plan on catching up with a lot of both old and new friends. to remind me of my old vibrant self and to help me see my new vibrant self. i've lost of myself over the years...working (or should i say dabbling) on bringing both old and new together to create a new and improved, more spunky and fabulous ME.

good luck with that you say? touche, doll face. touche.

stay tuned friends, more to come as i sort out all my shit and get it together.